Saturday

Revising the Excerpt-Contest-Seeing Who's Checking In

The excerpt I posted Thursday was a rough draft. Totally. I had just finished typing the words five minutes before on my wip.
Now, if you're a writer this is old hat to you. If not, it might be interesting---might not. But I'll share anyway.
What comes next is revision. We take the story, revise, and voila!! Hopefully a better version of the idea will come across.

Let's try it here.
Old version:
“Eat up, Son. I’m sure this is a far cry from those frozen pizzas you’ve probably been eating.”
Levi sat with his parents in the Lawson Lodge dining hall. The food was always excellent and tonight was no exception. Except his stomach didn’t feel good.
His treatment of Summer ate away at him. How could he have acted like that? Why had he acted like that? Other than feeling like he still owed his parents for his brother’s death. Although that thinking in itself was crazy, too. They still were bitter toward him. The excuse that they were worried about him was just that, an excuse.
They wanted to come and see if he’d changed. Felt any worse than he already did. Because they couldn’t get over losing their baby son, and his death was all Levi’s fault.
“What do you think that girl wants from you?”


New version:
“Eat up, Son. I’m sure this is a far cry from those frozen pizzas you’ve probably been eating.”
Levi eyed his father who always tried to smooth over a situation with meaningless small talk. "I'm eating."
In reality he hadn't made a dent in his meal. His mother on the other hand, had no trouble in finishing off the famous Lawson Lodge chicken salad.
No amount of atmosphere or good food could change the way he treated Summer. His behavior ate away at him. How could he have acted like that?
Okay, so he still felt like he owed his parents for his brother’s death. Owed them what he wasn't sure. His apology seemed to hang in the air. They neither accepted it or rejected it. They still were bitter toward him.
Yes, they showed up to see him. But the excuse that they were worried about him was just that, an excuse.
They wanted to come and see if he’d changed. Felt any worse than he already did. Because they couldn’t get over losing their baby son, and his death was all Levi’s fault.
“What do you think that girl wants from you?”
His mother's words brought up the situation his father's small talk tried to avoid. The ironic part? His mother would never believe him if he told her.

See the differences? Well, I'm not done. But I think it's better. Evokes more emotion. Gives a different (hopefully better) light on the scene.

Let me know what you think.

And now that you've read through the excerpts---thanks for sticking around. I have a little contest running only this weekend!!
My word count on An Unexpected Love is 17,018. Let me know what you think the word count will be by Sunday night. I am going to work on the ms during the day today and tomorrow afternoon.
If your count is the closest--I have a great book to send you. Debbie Guisti's Scared To Death.
So, post a guestimate---and I'll check in tomorrow night to see who is the closest.
Thanks for supporting my vision.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I guess since no one else has helped me figure out an estimate of how much you guys write at one time, I will have to go with 1,958.
Cousin Wendy

Missy Tippens said...

I'm sorry I missed out! I'll try the next contest.

Also, just wanted to say that I started Debby's 2nd book this weekend, and I LOVE it!!

Missy